FIVE ELEMENTS NINJAS: Elementary School

This review is the second in a Martial Arts Movie retrospective commissioned by Arthur Robinson. Many thanks to Arthur for supporting Post-Credit Coda through our Patreon. All other film reviews in this retrospective will be found here.

Director: Cheh Chang

Writers: Cheh Chang, Kuang Ni

Cast: Tien-Chi Cheng, Pei-Hsi Chen, Tien Hsiang Lung, Meng Lo, Michael Wai-Man Chan, Li Wang

Runtime: 107 mins.

1982

Here is my best effort at a Five Elements Ninjas plot summary: the film begins with a fight between an established dojo and an upstart group of criminal combatants. The established dojo wins handily. In the process they defeat a Japanese samurai, who commits seppuku in shame. Before he dies, he reveals the existence of the Five Elements Ninjas, experts in ninjutsu who use themed subterfuge techniques to best their opponents. The kung fu dojo sends groups to fight each of these squads. They are all murdered. Then, aided by the betrayal of ninja spy Senji (Pei-Hsi Chen), a ninja invasion force murders all of our characters except one. Shao Tien-Hao (Tien-Chi Cheng) escapes and finds a ninjutsu mentor. After a brief montage, he returns with his own squad to wipe out the Five Elements Ninjas and restore his fallen dojo's good name.

It's all nonsense. The plot exists as an excuse for the fight scenes. The characters, too, add nothing of value. The most fleshed out dynamic by far is between protagonist Shao Tien-Hao and Senji. Senji postures as an abused woman in order to gain entry into the martial arts school, where she betrays them by orchestrating the ninja invasion from the inside. She is secretly a proficient ninja in her own right, but she has (surprise surprise) fallen in love with Shao Tien-Hao, who is nothing but rude and officious towards her. Their entire arc together is rife with smug misogyny. If these are the most developed characters of the bunch, well, don't expect much in the way of human drama.

What Is a Puppet?

Nate Biagiotti commissioned a piece on Puppets in Film. This interview is the product of that exploration. Many thanks to Nate for supporting Post-Credit Coda through our Patreon.

Taylor Cawley as Athena + The Collective in The Medusa Play. Directed by Ryan Rebel and Ang Bey. Puppet design by Jo Vito Ramírez. Find their work at jovitoramirez.net

RYAN REBEL: I'm here with my friend Jo Vito Ramírez to talk about puppets in film. Tell me about what makes you a puppet person and why you're so qualified to be here.

JO VITO RAMÍREZ: Hey, take it easy. The easiest answer is that I make and use puppets and I have for years.

RYAN: Jo is a phenomenal puppet builder, they've made puppets for my plays and many others. They're constantly adapting and learning new things, trying to make the form and content functional together. So we can think about form and content with these clips, and whether we like the puppets or not, if they work, what is puppet and what isn't.

JO: Ooh that's great, we should look up the definition.

RYAN: "A movable model of a person or animal that is used in entertainment and is typically moved either by strings controlled from above or by a hand inside it."

JO: Wow. That is too narrow! That's terrible. That's not true at all. Only an animal or person? Strings above or hand inside it? So a simple rod puppet wouldn't even exist. Like that little wormy boy in Sesame Street. That would be rod from beneath, so it wouldn't fit this definition.

RYAN: Some of these clips might blur the lines, so I'm curious what you'll think. Let's watch the first one.

THE MUMMY vs. THE MUMMY: A Guide to MUMMYfication

This critical comparison of The Mummy (1999) and The Mummy (2017) was commissioned by Carson Rebel.  Many thanks to Carson for supporting Post-Credit Coda through our Patreon.

Director: Stephen Sommers
Writers: Stephen Sommers, Lloyd Fonvielle, Kevin Jarre
Cast: Brendan Fraser, Rachel Weisz, John Hannah, Arnold Vosloo, Kevin J. O'Connor
Runtime: 124 mins.
1999

Director: Alex Kurtzman
Writers: David Koepp, Christopher McQuarrie, Dylan Kussman, Jon Spaihts, Jenny Lumet
Cast: Tom Cruise, Sofia Boutella, Russell Crowe, Annabelle Wallis, Jake Johnson
Runtime: 110 mins.
2017

The Mummy (1999) was released by Universal to mixed positive reviews, and has since achieved a passionate cult following. The Mummy (2017) was released by Universal to near universal vitriol. This is a critical comparison of the two films. To guide the conversation we will employ the eleven steps of Mummy Creation, as articulated by this mylearning.org article.

A CHRISTMAS PRINCE: There's No Place Like a Minor European Hegemony for the Holidays

This review was requested by Maddie Brady. Many thanks to Maddie for supporting Post-Credit Coda through our Patreon.

Director: Alex Zamm
Writers: Karen Schaler, Nate Atkins
Cast: Rose McIver, Ben Lamb, Alice Krige, Honor Kneafsey, Sarah Douglas, Emma Louise Saunders, Theo Devaney, Daniel Fathers, Tahirah Sharif, Amy Marston, Joel McVeagh
Runtime: 92 mins.
2017

Amber (Rose McIver) is a reporter who just can't seems to get her big break. She gets an opportunity to cover the press conference of a playboy prince, which she hopes will be her big break. When she arrives she discovers no big break whatsoever, as the prince is a no-show. Instead of leaving with the rest of the press, she infiltrates government property, photographs some suits of armor, and when she is caught she conveniently steps into the identity of Princess Emily's American tutor who was expected soon but not this soon. Armed with identity fraud, she launches a campaign of reconnaissance and subterfuge, all the while falling deeply in love with the conflicted Prince Richard (Ben Lamb) in the process. This is all treated as light farce.

What kind of country is Aldovia? Who governs the people and how? The King is dead, yet the Queen's only role is to show up and deliver zingers every once in a while? Are the royalty figureheads, or is this a full-on monarchical hegemony? Is there some sort of elected Parliament that we are not given access to?

On second thought it would feel inappropriate to learn any of the political reality of this nation, because Aldovia is the stuff of pure, uncut fantasy. White, middle-class fantasy to be specific, wealthy enough to crave the touch of old money prestige, poor enough to buy into the monarchy as anything other than stuffy rituals and child sex trafficking scandals.

ONLY LOVERS LEFT ALIVE: Fangs for the Memories

This review was requested by Angela Bey. Many thanks to Angela for supporting Post-Credit Coda through our Patreon.

Director: Jim Jarmusch
Writer: Jim Jarmusch
Cast: Tilda Swinton, Tom Hiddleston, Anton Yelchin, Mia Wasikowska, Jeffrey Wright, Slimane Dazi, John Hurt
Runtime: 123 mins.
2013

Only Lovers Left Alive states its intent immediately. The needle drops on a record and the camera spins out into a lugubrious montage of two extremely stylish ethereal beings. They languish as the camera rotates above them, and the turntable pours out arabic-gothic-psychedelic rock. Nothing happens but tone and style, and this is what we should expect from the rest of the two+ hour runtime. You could call this a hang out movie, but generally hang outs imply events. By the time our characters actually get out for a low key night on the town, it feels like a dangerous cascade of activity.

This is the story of two undead beings, traversers of centuries, patrons of the arts, setters of trends, hermits, blood addicts, strung-out has-beens, powerful intellects the likes of which the world cannot acknowledge. They are wreathed in the loneliness of immortality. When Only Lovers Left Alive is at its best, it explores the psychology of how a half-millennium old vampire might experience twenty-first century culture and society. Its abnormal pacing invites us to warp and stretch our sense of time to scale. Unfortunately, this is only part of the film. The other part is a ceaseless parade of cheeky references.