The Great BOJACK HORSEMAN Experiment

Disclaimer: I have since finished watching Bojack Horseman, and it is one of the best shows on television. I am leaving this post up as a monument to drunken hubris.

Long ago I watched the first episode of Bojack Horseman in an airport. I was so viscerally displeased that I immediately swore the show off and launched into a series of theories about the problems with Netflix's original content model.

A month or so later, a good friend of mine was texting me in the midst of his marathon session of watching the show. He agreed wholeheartedly that the show was very bad, but he found his experience of marathoning the show all at once inexplicably engaging, and he recommended that I do the same.

Now it is many more months later, and I finally have.

What follows is the live journal of my experience watching the entirety of Bojack Horseman, transposed from a notebook to the world wide web without any alterations. Just pretend you can see the handwriting degenerate as time passes.

This blog post is brought to you by Admiral Nelson's Spiced Rum.


Episode 1

9:12pm - I can't believe I'm doing this again. Initial thoughts: Pop culture references aren't automatically funny. Animals and people talking to each other aren't automatically funny. A horse saying "urethra" is NOT automatically funny.

9:15 - The theme song is pretty cool.

9:16 - Scene 2: exposition dump followed by stoner joke.

9:17 - PENGUIN PUBLISHING IS PENGUINS HA

9:18 - Bojack Horseman: How many ways can we explain the joke?

9:20 - I like that there's a moth in a suit standing in the background.

9:24 - Pile of crap joke actually works. Go figure.

9:25 - Wilhelm scream! Nice. If only this show didn't think it was so goddamn funny.

9:26 - I HATE that Aaron Paul is always smiling and that Bojack's ex is always frowning. So plays into the stoner/bitch cliches.

9:28 - Sexist joke followed directly by joke about the last name "Nguyen." Pain.

9:29 - The cut from Bojack "dying" to his death in the show is actually decently skillful.

9:33 - Dear God, Manic Pixie Dream Girl alert. Diane shows up to be absolutely perfect and charming while the plot requires her to be an "awkward loner."

9:36 - Fittingly we end on a vomit joke. Man I love Will Arnett and Aaron Paul in their shows of origin, but they are just unacceptable in everything else they've done.

My Laugh Count: 1 sharp exhalation through the nose.

My episode rating: 2.5/10

Episode 2

9:39 - His ex's caller ID is a picture of a ball of yarn --> kind of funny

9:41 - Problem w/ this show is NOTHING is genuine or real. All dialogue FEELS like set-up for jokes --> you can see the punchline coming through binoculars. Another drink.

9:43 - 2 toaster strudel jokes in 2 episodes. Here's hoping for a third.

9:44 - Jokes about how not en vogue reality TV is are just as not en vogue.

9:45 - J'Von's.

9:46 - There better be a damned point to this grocery store scene. Other than a writer needing a filler scene.

9:48 - Off kilter side flashes are one of the worst things Family Guy did to animated comedy. Ultimate Spider-Man is unwatchable.

9:50 - MSNBSea. Ugh.

9:51 - Neal McBeal the Navy Seal. UGH.

9:52 - Listen, never mind. I was wrong. I wish the grocery store bit hadn't ended up being so important.
I hate this seal.

9:53 - I like the mottled brown color of Bojack.

9:55 - What is this episode about even? Media sensationalization I guess? In the most facile way? The Simpsons did this commentary 13x better by dedicating about 9 seconds an episode to Kent Brockman.

9:59 - Painting of tennis balls. Kind of funny.

10:00 - Why the hell would Bojack have complicated moral arguments about the military? Just so we can root for him?

10:02 - This show is locating ALL of its attempts at genuine emotions in the Manic Pixie Dream Girl Diane. It's GRATING.

one half-hearted smile

1.5/10

Episode 3

10:04 - Is Sabrina Mabel?

10:07 - They're allowed to make sexy underage girl jokes b/c they make the girl a dolphin.

10:08 - The problem w/ this show is that it says nothing insightful or new. It's just broad sketches of stupid cultural stuff we're all well aware of, like the tendency of child stars to sex up and burn out.

10:10 - NO. NO to the stupid banal Andrew Garfield parody. Says nothing about Garfield besides big hair and posh British accent.

10:13 - Aaron Paul has been crashing on the couch for 5 years? Why did they have that conversation at the beginning of the first episode? ??

10:15 - Why are all of her friends lemurs?

10:16 - Well. This episode ALMOST just passed the Bechdel test.

10:20 - I spend most scenes looking at what's in the background. It's more rewarding than paying attention to the drama.

10:24 - Spent the whole episode knowing they would have sex. Then they do. A twist?

10:27 - "This is what our celebrity culture does to people." Thanks for the insight Diane. Another drink.

1 sharp exhalation, 1/3 chuckle

2.5/10

Episode 4

10:30 - I guess those were jokes.

10:32 - Aaron Paul executive produced this garbage? Oh no.

10:35 - Aaron Paul PLEASE stop singing.

10:36 - POP TART JOKE #3! THE TRIFECTA!!!

10:39 - Weird sex scene motif. I'm not opposed. I need some chips.

10:40 - Buzzfeed jokes. This show can go screw.

10:42 - Wow, a cross-episode plot point. That's new

10:44 - "But of course Andrew Lloyd Weber needs to be a real hot penis about everything." -A Moose

10:49 - Stop singing Aaron Paul. This show needs Charlie Day.
I just made a mess w/ chips and dip.

10:50 - Making fun of theatre people for being pompous. That's original.

10:53 - Totally lost the thread of the plot at the end there. That's okay, this show is dumb. Another drink.

3/4 chuckle, 1 light laugh

2/10

Episode 5

10:56 - This Ep is called Live Fast, Diane Nguyen. That's not bad.

10:58 - This Penguin guy is like a worse version of Ol' Gil from Simpsons.

10:59 - Todd just scrambled an egg in literally 1.5 seconds.

11:03 - So... many... grating... Boston... cliches. Do they just decide what these episodes are about by polling what the most-made jokes in America are? If that makes sense?

11:05 - Bojack's girlfriend's only character trait is that she wants to be everybody's agent.

11:07 - Ben Affleck's Daredevil joke. I appreciate that. Distantly.

11:08 - I thought this would get funnier as I get drunker but I am only becoming increasingly upset.

11:09 - IT'S AN ANTHROPOMORPHIC MAGGOT PERSON! I am surprisingly enthusiastic about this!

11:11 - Maybe it's just me but I feel like this show keeps making subtle Breaking Bad references around Todd's character. That's not fair.

11:12 - It's a bar. There's a drunk passed out shrimp in the background.

11:13 - The funniest thing about this show is the silhouettes walking far in the background.

11:15 - This show makes me hate Boston. But that's okay. This show makes me hate everything.

11:17 - I am divorced from all meaning this show could impart. It's kind of comforting.

11:18 - Derek Jeter joke + Old Goat joke + dead body chum joke. Not thrilled.

ZERO

1/10

Episode 6

11:19 - It horrifies me that I am not even halfway finished.

11:20 - Couple decent jokes in the opening. Someone got stabbed a lot.

11:22 - It is many people's job to make this show.

11:23 - Will Arnett executive produced this TOO? Damn.

11:24 - "I'd like to buy you all an Xbox." Which kind? 360? Or Xbox One? Maybe just the original Xbox.

11:27 - Nothing. Nothing original here. In the words of... Ezekiel? Nothing is new under the sun. [Ed. the Biblical figure I was drunkenly grasping for is Solomon.]

11:31 - This episode thinks that saying words that start w/ D is a funny joke.
Need another joke. I mean drink.

11:32 - "I admit it's been bad for ideas, but it's great for camaraderie." re: drunkenness, re: this blog post

11:34 - Pepsi + Rum to Mt. Dew + Rum = paradigm shift.

11:35 - Cyril from Archer is definitely voicing that bald reporter.

11:37 - I'm having trouble understanding why this show is so unfunny.

11:39 - Todd always gets the crappy subplots.

11:40 - Aaron Paul, you will never make anything as good as Breaking Bad. I'm sorry.

11:44 - "And they say there's no new stories in Hollywoo." Just like Ezekiel said.

1 hesitant, inadvertent chuckle

3/10

Episode 7

11:46 - "I'll have a Western Bacon Cheeseburger." That seems funny.

11:47 - Netflix has asked me 4ish times if I want to keep watching. I don't. But I do.

11:49 - 1st pee break. Clearly I'm not drinking enough.

11:50 - Raphael Bob-Walksberg.

11:51 - Who is Lenny Turtletaub a parody of? Woody Allen?

11:52 - There's a big turtle. I mean frog. And he said nothing important.

11;53 - PRINCESS CAROLINE'S WALL IS FILLED WITH PAINTINGS THAT ARE JUST ONE COLOR!

11:56 - I can't tell if I'm hot or cold:

11:59 - Anthropomorphic ... tarantula?
QUENTIN TARANTUTINO!!

12:00 - This episode is going nowhere. Happy new year!

12:03 - 65% of Bojack Horseman episodes consist of phones ringing.

12:05 - Wait I think this episode kind of did pass the Bechdel test! That's. Fine.

12:08 - It all passes before me without impact. I am impartial. I am a stone.

12:10 - Stanley Tucci was in this episode? What was he?

1 genuine laugh!

2.5/10

Episode 8

12:11 - "Just no bathroom breaks. Don't abandon me." Time for second urination.

12:14 - Is the title sequence suicide?

12:15 - "They're nodding. That's the executive version of laughing." I haven't nodded once yet.

12:17 - Is Stanley Tucci the beardy mentor guy?

12:19 - Bojack is always looking into things like telescopes and kaleidoscopes.

12:22 - A cigarette in a horse's mouth is really funny.

12:23 - How do they decide who is human who is not?

12:25 - Telescopes - so meaningful.

12:26 - This episode is about gay people vs. fame. Need another drink.

12:28 - I guess Aaron Paul needed an episode break.
Oh wait there is is. "Hooray, a task!" is right.

. . . . . . .

1:05 - Laddies + Gentlewomen, I had to take a break to talk w/ someone about dinner theatre and manslaughter. Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

1:07 - I completely forget everything happening in this episode.

1:10 - The moral of the story is: Diane Nguyen.

1:12 - That one exchange between Bojack and Cancer Guy was decent.

1:14 - CONFUSING FEELINGS THE END OF THAT EPISODE GAVE ME

1/2 chuckle

3/10

Episode 9

1:15 - What are the implications of this new Netflix model w/out a week between episodes? More fluid... flow?

1:18 - ... More underage sex jokes?

1:20 - I just realized I spend most of these episodes grimacing.

1:23 - Only 3 1/2 more episodes!

1:24 - "Why'd you have to make things weird, Bojack?" GOOD QUESTION DIANE.

1:26 - "Mr. Peanut Butter has got some serious opinions about Styx." Don't we all?

1:28 - The bank is WHALES FARGO

1:30 - "Enjoy yourselves. . aaand each other!" Good advice.

1:32 - Styx... sticks! Dog likes sticks! I get it!

1:35 - I miss It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

1/2 chuckle, 1 silent chuckle

2.5/10

Episode 10

1:40 - The problem w/ this show is it has horses kissing people.

1:41 - Did this come out before or after Frozen? It used a Frozen joke.

1:42 - Netflix, stop asking me if I want to continue.

1:43 - Rothko joke #2. Well done.

1:44 - I hope this show ends w/ Bojack Horseman killing himself.

1:45 - "Food in fridge? Hope so. Boob a dog hot breed jelly flat bean

1:46 - Camera crew = ants

. . . . . . . .

4:52 - You say "passed out," I say, "I promised myself I would finish this in one session. Leggo.

4:57 - Honeydew.

4:58 - Who is this again? Nicole Kidman?

4:59 - Oh sorry. Naomi Watts.

5:03 - True dat.

5:04 - Ugh. Method acting plotline. Uuughhh.

5:08 - Ugh.

?????  0?

2/10

Episode 11

5:13 - Are these jokes... jokes?

5:17 - Oh good! Sarah Lynn is back just to do drugs.

5:19 - AGH! Real horse in the mirror.

5:22 - Gun or gun-shaped lighter? Stole joke from Return of the Pink Panther. Totally.

5:23 - This episode's plot: everybody drugs.

5:24 - Okay what the hell is happening. This is clearly the best episode yet b/c Bojack is tripping.

5:27 - Diane + Lucy from Peanuts? Good grief. Wait. Oh no: I made the same bad Peanuts joke as the show. IT'S ALL FALLING IN ON ITSELF.

5:29 - Bojack has... drug fantasy child? Wha..?

5:32 - The emotional center of this show is raisins.

5:33 - They got Olivia Wilde? Who she?

... zero :(

5/10

Episode 12

5:34 - Suicide? Suicide?? This show finally deciding to go dark?

5:35 - I'm in the mood for some tuna fish. Anyone else want some tuna fish?

5:40 - Sisyphus reference. Ok.

5:42 - I hate every plotline of Todd.

5:46 - Oh no. Andrew Garfield callback. You don't say no to Spider-Man.

5:51 - "How fiendishly droll? Oh bother." Why is Andrew Garfield's character so posh? Why??

5:53 - I want this show to end and die.

5:54 - Ending the season with..........Wild Horses by The Rolling Stones in a montage.......... UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH Fine.

1 dull, heartless "laugh"

2/10

Good night