Friday, December 23, 2016

STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE: George of the Bungle

As Rogue One: A Star Wars Story sweeps the planet, let's dig into the first major Star Wars prequel.



Director: George Lucas
Writer: George Lucas
Cast: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Ian McDiarmid, Pernilla August, Ahmed Best, Anthony Daniels, Kenny Baker, Frank Oz, Andy Secombe, Lewis Macleod, Ray Park, Keira Knightley
Runtime: 136 mins.
1999

Much like Onan shamefully spilling his semen on the ground after intercourse with his brother's widow (Genesis 38: 6-10), many words of criticism have been frivolously sloshed into the dirt concerning Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace. Arguably the most rabidly anticipated feature film of all time, Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace released itself upon the public on May 19, 1999. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The meteoric impact of disappointment was so significant that we have still not seen the end of its aftershocks. One could even argue that J. J. Abrams' rehabilitation of the franchise was shaped in direct refutation to Lucas's prequel trilogy. For the past seventeen years, folks have not been able to shut up about how bad Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace turned out to be.

What, then, is there left to say?


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You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land. But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.
-Job 1:10b-11

Well, I was getting bored, and my life was happy, and I decided I'd do something to make myself miserable.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

The first paragraph of the opening crawl for Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace reads as follows: "Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute."

The discrepancy between the elegant simplicity of the first sentence and the high school social studies flavor of the second sentence is the first of many warning flags, and only ten seconds into the film no less. Ever since Lucas's singular, seminal work in the seventies, the Star Wars brand had become legendary. Religious, even, as I argue here. The herds of Star Wars fans had spread throughout the world, and Lucas's return to the property was treated like the second coming of Christ.

That's a lot of pressure to put on somebody, and George Lucas had zero interest in giving the people what they expected. In fact, you could point to the dissonance between fan expectations and Lucas's sloppy reality as the inception of modern fandom's sense of entitlement over what they think their art and entertainment ought to be.

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Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth--everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.
-Isaiah 43:6b-7

I make these films for myself more than I make them for anybody else.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Lucas's New Hollywood auteur individualist attitude towards filmmaking is directly antithetical to the fan-fueled nostalgia bonanza formula that Disney has perfected over the past decade or so. Lucas's visionary independence is why Star Wars was such a smash hit--he made the mythological underpinning of the narrative feel fresh and familiar at the same time. By the time Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace rolled around, however, his focus had shifted from the mythological to the technological. Keeping that in mind, one could even argue that Lucas succeeded; Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace is in a lot of ways a technical marvel. But the fans of the property needed the most anticipated film of all time to be more than a tech demo.

If you set about the nearly impossible thought experiment of looking at Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace as a standalone film rather than part of a monumental saga, generosity becomes easier. If it had been released as a cheesy B sci-fi movie, it still would have been panned, but more gently so. It also would have likely become a cult hit for the sake of the elements that do work, like John Williams' incredible score that tries oh so hard to singlehandedly carry the plot forward on its shoulders. Or the impressive production design--that first glimpse of the underwater Gungan city is a dream of transparent orbs and glowing lights. Every establishing shot is marvelous, as are many of the CGI effects beside.

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But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.
-1 Samuel, 16:7

Most of the people who go to the movie, at least 95 per cent, love Jar Jar. He's extremely popular with kids. He's popular with women.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

Now, the computer generated effects that ABSOLUTELY do not work are the organic life forms. I will concede that in and of itself this is not a valid criticism, because the year was 1999 and they were trying a new thing and it probably all looked amazing at the time. But time and again I return to 1993's Jurassic Park as a twenty-three year old film with effects that have aged flawlessly. Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace's effects, well... they haven't--all the hideous mottled green and brown creatures they added in digitally feel weightless and disconnected.

It doesn't help when the primary representative of this technology is Jar Jar Binks, one of the most reviled characters to ever grace the silver screen. It's not just his grotesque character design or the strained gargle of his voice. It's that he's a colossal asshole to everybody he encounters. Lucas defends the character as a comic relief sidekick for the kids, like C-3PO or R2D2. Unfortunately, all of Jar Jar's gags, of which there are plenty, are ill-conceived and ill-executed to the extreme. He caps off a needless fart gag by saying "pee-yousa." There are at least three different tongue-related gags. And the rest have to do with his grating cowardice or intolerable clumsiness.

This would all be easier to overlook if the gags were somehow well-integrated with the physical reality of the film, but they are spliced into the narrative at arbitrary moments and last for far too long. Meanwhile, the live action characters look upon the gauche spectacle with blank expressions. They look as unaffected as you would look if you were told, "Over there a creature will electrocute its tongue then babble incoherently. Gaze at it even though you won't be able to see it."

Good special effects are about integrating unreality with reality, not layering things over each other like stickers in a coloring book. Watching these embarrassed actors try to interact with video game cutscene monstrosities is a bit sad. Though it's not like they do much better when talking to each other.

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At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.
-Matthew 10:19b-20

I don't particularly like dialogue.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

It's not Jake Lloyd's fault.

One of the top scapegoats for the failure of Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace, perhaps only topped by Jar Jar and Lucas himself, is the child actor who plays young Anakin Skywalker. His performance is the most obviously flat and annoying of the bunch, so he's easy to blame. But I would argue that he's bringing more to any given scene than Natalie Portman, or Samuel L. Jackson, or especially Liam Neeson who phones it in so hard that his long distance bill could only be topped by his paycheck.

No, Lloyd is not the most gifted child actor, but everything wrong with young Anakin in this movie is beyond the reach of any child star. I mean, seriously, listen to that dialogue. It's insulting the garbage that this kid had to say. I would love to see any actor convincingly deliver this after school special line: "Master, sir. I heard Yoda talking about midichlorians. I've been wondering... what are midichlorians?"

What are midichlorians indeed.

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The angel went to [Mary] and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you."
-Luke 1:28

I'm not that passionate about this story.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

So let's talk about midichlorians. This may be number four on the Top Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace Scapegoats List, and I will admit that it deserves its ignominy. Midichlorians, cellular organisms that determine how Force-sensitive an individual can be, directly undermine the vague spiritualism of the previous movies. This is part of a long series of baffling story decisions that seem to indicate George Lucas's disrespect for the world he created, or at least deep misunderstanding of it. C-3PO was built by Anakin? The Jedi are dull, sexless, and monotone? The entire conflict is based around an obscure trade dispute??

Again, this comes back to the issue of everybody except George Lucas holding the originals to be sacred. These are just tangible details; they add up, but in a better movie they could have been excused. I just keep getting hung up on one thing...

Anakin Skywalker was immaculately conceived.

What?? I had honestly forgotten about this boner of a screenwriting bow tie. It's absurd to the point of parody, the ultimate example of egotistical laziness. For whatever reason, this was the moment that made clear to me just how much Lucas ceased to care about the story he was telling.

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The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind.
-1 Kings 19:11a

I love the movement of film more than anything else.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

The one moment that Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace comes alive is the Tatooine pod racing sequence. Not only does pod racing feel quintessentially Star Wars, but (perhaps not coincidentally) it is also the stretch during which Lucas tightens up his lax filmmaking. Based on everything Lucas says about how much he hates writing, and how fascinated he is with the kinetic nature of cinema, all of this makes sense. For the duration of the race, he is playing to his strengths.

A few moments in the cross cutting climax of the film recapture this magic, but the pod race is easily the most skillful showcase of the movie. Of course, this only throws the problems of the rest of the film into stark relief.

The editing in Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace is inexcusable. It's a legitimate abomination. Every single scene is so slackly paced that it makes the disaffected performances worse, it makes the wandering story worse, it makes the spotty visual effects worse. In fact, the incompetent editing is exactly what makes Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace feel like such a MST3K-worthy B movie. There's no sense of tension when Naboo is invaded; it's the calmest invasion ever, in fact, because everyone is casually walking around, or standing around waiting for someone to talk. Much like the way cheap movies pointlessly show characters getting in and out of cars, I can't count how many scenes feature characters meandering in or out of spaceships, in or out of dialogue exchanges. All the unnecessary dead space combined with the characters' blank expressions makes this feel like a high school theatre production nobody wants to be a part of.

Of the entire creative team, Lucas aside, I find myself most willing to blame editors Ben Burtt and Paul Martin Smith. But then again, Burtt is actually a career sound designer, and Smith did Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace very early on in his mediocre career, so the question remains--who hired them?

So it comes back to Lucas after all, who may have directed these editors into a corner anyway. Maybe he didn't give them the coverage to connect shots properly. And anyway, there's only so much an editor can do when your screenplay has at least three scenes that end with Qui-Gon Jinn saying something cryptic into a walkie-talkie then staring off into space, and at least... seven? eight? scenes that consist entirely of racist Asian stereotype aliens talking to a hologram.

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Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.
-1 Peter 5:8

A lot of evil characters have horns.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

When I saw Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace as a child, there were plenty of parts that bored me, but I admit to being quite taken with Darth Maul. All the movie's defenders cite Maul as its saving grace. Admittedly, his design is badass, and Ray Park has a sinister physical performance. But the guy has no character, and he spends 95% of the movie standing around waiting for the plot to progress. The final fight isn't even nearly as cool as I remember it. McGregor does his best with the floaty lightsaber combat, but Neeson yet again offers the bare minimum.

Anyway, fixating on one signifier in a sea of ineptitude is a surefire sign of cultish devotion to a property. So little of Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace even feels worth getting angry about anymore. The franchise wars have been fought, the disinterested auteur lost, the massive conglomerate won, and now that we're getting the Star Wars movies everybody seems to have wanted, we ought to just let old Lucas retire in peace. We have officially colonized his intellectual property, and the world has become a bigger fan of Star Wars than George Lucas.

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Jesus wept.
-John 11:35

It's a good movie.
-George Lucas on Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace

0.5 / 5  BLOBS

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