Other Reviews in this Series.
Director: Rod Holcomb
Writers: Don Ingalls, Chester Krumholz
Cast: Reb Brown, Len Birman, Heather Menzies-Urich, Robin Mattson, Joseph Ruskin
Runtime: 97 mins.
1979
The 1979 TV Movie Captain America has a simple premise: What if Captain America's son were a selfish, imbecilic slacker? And what if we made a movie about him?
Of course, the film doesn't seem altogether aware of its own premise, as we are apparently supposed to find this man impressive and heroic. He is not. Let me lay it out for you.
Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) is a hunky behemoth who has just returned from active military service. Now that he's out, his goal in life is to drive around in his van and be lazy for the foreseeable future. He also draws. These are his sole character traits.
When a scientist who he knows and cares about for a reason that I can't remember is killed for a reason that doesn't make sense, he finds himself embroiled in an evil plot that isn't remotely clarified until at least halfway through the movie. The bad guys want Steve out of the picture, again for undisclosed reasons. I think it's because his body is uniquely capable of handling the powerful FLAG serum. But that comes later. As I was saying, Steve Rogers ends up hanging around two other scientists, Dr. Simon Mills (Len Birman) and Dr. Wendy Day (Heather Menzies-Urich). They worked with his father, which they sometimes allude to vaguely. Dr. Simon Mills wants Steve to take the FLAG (Full Latent Ability Gain) serum because it worked on his father, so it would probably work on him too. Unfortunately, our hero is lazy and selfish, so he refuses to have anything to do with it.
Then he drives not one, but two different motor vehicles off of two different cliffs because people keep attacking him. The first time this happens, he staggers away with his hand on his head. The second time he is gravely injured, and Dr. Mills must give him the FLAG serum so that he will survive.
The main character doesn't get his superpowers until about thirty-five minutes into the movie. Then he spends the next forty minutes putzing about, going to the beach, and being kind of pissed off that Dr. Mills gave him superpowers that he didn't want. Steve Rogers only dons the garb and willingly uses the powers of Captain America for the final 15 - 20 minutes of the movie, and for selfish reasons at that. Of course, this was a time long before we were burned out by endless superhero origin stories, but even in 1979 who could have thought that we would want to watch this garbage person do nothing for over an hour?
When he finally does start using his powers it comes as a relief, but it's nothing too thrilling. He jumps really high about two times. He hears a few quiet things. He blocks a bullet with his egregious plastic shield. He punches a few people. There's a great moment when his mentor demonstrates the shield's efficacy for him by tossing it offscreen, and we get a long cutaway as the shield just floats through the air like a lazy frisbee before "returning."
So much of the film consists of gratuitously long scenes that I can only conceive to be attempts at filler. Or they shot liberal footage and got a terrible editor. Or the filmmakers thought people riding motorcycles, and hanging out at the beach, and just generally standing around is the peak of entertainment. It's boring and banal, in a relaxing sort of way. Even the climax unravels into a baffling sequence of people calmly talking about how to keep everyone from dying.
Most of the acting is bottom tier baseline serviceable. I actually enjoyed Len Birman's work as Simon Mills, whose role boils down to the thankless task of being hype man for this wet blanket version of Captain America's. He cranks out gaudy exposition with efficiency and even geniality. But the LVP of the movie has to be Reb Brown, the title character, clearly chosen by merit of his pectoral muscles alone. A great deal of the appeal of Captain America is enjoying how awful Brown is at any given moment. His smiles are vacant, his complaints are vapid, and his heroism seems accidental at best. That's what I mean when I call Dr. Mills his hype man; Mills clearly has intelligence and charm, yet for some reason he persists in putting all of his faith in a selfish lunk. Mills stands around smiling while Rogers rides around on his stupid motorcycle and we're just along for the ride.
On the one hand, none of this should be surprising from a made-for-TV film. Any sort of takedown feels like tripping a person with one leg. On the other hand, I've already reviewed a made-for-TV film that I consider to be one of the purest, craftiest action movies I've seen. But Captain America ain't no Spielberg movie. Unlike the Captain America serial, it has just enough actual knowledge of Captain America's character to succeed in disrespecting him entirely.
0 / 5 BLOBS
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