CAPTAIN AMERICA: Cap-ital Punishment

In the weeks leading up to Marvel's next blockbuster juggernaut, Captain America: Civil War, we will be looking at every cinematic iteration of those two warring rapscallions, Captain America and Iron Man.

Other Reviews in this Series.

Director: Rod Holcomb
Writers: Don Ingalls, Chester Krumholz
Cast: Reb Brown, Len Birman, Heather Menzies-Urich, Robin Mattson, Joseph Ruskin
Runtime: 97 mins.
1979

The 1979 TV Movie Captain America has a simple premise: What if Captain America's son were a selfish, imbecilic slacker? And what if we made a movie about him?

Of course, the film doesn't seem altogether aware of its own premise, as we are apparently supposed to find this man impressive and heroic. He is not. Let me lay it out for you.

Steve Rogers (Reb Brown) is a hunky behemoth who has just returned from active military service. Now that he's out, his goal in life is to drive around in his van and be lazy for the foreseeable future. He also draws. These are his sole character traits.

LEFT BEHIND: An Open Letter

Director: Vic Armstrong
Writers: Paul Lalonde, John Patus
Cast: Nicolas Cage
Runtime: 110 mins.
2014

Dear Nicolas Cage,

I write to you as a longtime examiner of your livelihood. I currently hold the unique position of one who has seen your most recent attempt to shrug off crushing debt, Left Behind. I found it mostly to be a movie. That being said, I have a few questions that I believe you, and only you, Nicolas Cage, can answer.

I want to start with something real. Are you a religious man? I know that you were raised Catholic and that you staunchly refuse to comment upon your faith in interviews. I know your brother is a Christian pastor. But what about you? In interviews you suggest that taking this role was not just about the money, that you connected with the script and its themes. If that is really true, why do you sleepwalk through this movie like it's a PSA for fire safety? You're more invested in this library poster.

JURASSIC WORLD: Incoherentus Rex

Director: Colin Trevorrow
Writers: Rick Jaffa, Amanda Silver, Colin Trevorrow, Derek Connolly
Cast: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins, Nick Robinson, Irrfan Khan, BD Wong
Runtime: 124 mins.
2015

Other reviews in this series:

Jurassic Park
The Lost World
Jurassic Park III

This week I've been posting reviews of the Jurassic series and refining my theory that the unifying theme of the franchise is that each movie functions as a metacommentary on its own existence. Not only has this been a fun discovery, it has also pushed me towards a deeper (or at least more forgiving) perspective on the sequels.

Jurassic World continues the cursorily self-aware tradition of the previous films. In this sequel, appearing twenty-two years after the original and fourteen years after the last entry, the theme park is finally open. Claire (Bryce Dallas Howard) is running a tight ship. She's calculating, efficient, and has to deal with her two nephews for the weekend! She abandons them though.

Attendance numbers spike whenever the genetics team, led by Dr. Henry Wu (BD Wong), cook up a new attraction, so they've created the biggest baddie of them all, Indominus Rex. To nobody's surprise but the characters', the Indominus Rex escapes and begins wreaking dramatically pertinent havoc on the park. It's up to Owen (Chris Pratt) and his raptor buddies to save the day.

STARRY EYES: Constellation Frustration

Directors: Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer
Writers: Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer
Cast: Alex Essoe, Amanda Fuller, Noah Segan, Fabianne Therese, Pat Healy, Maria Olsen
Runtime: 98 mins.
2014

As you can see above, the DVD cover for Starry Eyes features a young dehydrated woman with her head tilted at a strange angle. She's probably looking up at that bizarrely generous pullquote from Time. "Did you see the same movie I did, Michael Roffman?" she asks. "Or maybe it's that you've never seen any of Lynch or Cronenberg's work." After all, those are two directors known more than anything for their uncanny weirdness, their ability to make us squint and squeam and walk away feeling gross, but also feeling like we'd just witnessed something totally unique.

The Starry Eyes DVD cover literally features a woman with stars on her eyes. That's pretty on the nose for a movie about eyes.

The central beat-you-over-the-heady metaphor gets even worse when you start watching the movie. Our protagonist is this girl Sarah (Alex Essoe), and she wants to be a star (!), but hasn't managed to land a breakthrough role. So instead of living the la-la land dream, she's stuck working at a lousy restaurant called Big Taters (essentially Hooters but potato-themed) and hanging around with a group of lousy millennials who just want to hang around at the poolside and party in dumb ways. But when a mysterious production company called Astraeus (!) Pictures (which means "starry surprise" in Greek or something like that) posts an ad seeking a young actress full of life and eager to give herself to the production of a film called The Silver Scream (!), she feels she has found her breakthrough role. Unfortunately, the casting process requires more of Sarah than she may be willing to give... such as her immortal soul (!).

THE IMPOSSIBLE: It's Tsuna-me, Not Tsuna-you

In which Ewan McGregor kisses things for 50% of his screentime.

Director: J. A. Bayona

Writer: Sergio G. Sánchez

Cast: Naomi Watts, Tom Holland, Ewan McGregor, Samuel Joslin, Oaklee Pendergast

Runtime: 114 mins.

2012

Before I start the review, I should give you a comprehensive recap of this movie. Pay attention, it's going to be complicated:

This "true story" follows a British family vacationing in Thailand during the tsunami of Christmas 2004, and their efforts to find each other in the aftermath of the disaster.

That's about it. Now onto the review!

DRINKING BUDDIES: Empty Calories

Director: Joe Swanberg
Writer: Joe Swanberg
Cast: Olivia Wilde, Jake Johnson, Anna Kendrick, Ron Livingston, Jason Sudeikis
Runtime: 90 mins.
2013

Critics have embraced Drinking Buddies as an example of mumblecore hitting the mainstream: a mostly improvised romantic comedy that taps into the charming banality of relationships in an understated way that is rare for the often bombastic, overstated medium of film.

I suppose it is that.  Unfortunately, I also found it to be one of the duller movies I've seen in recent memory.